cygnus created

 I am in grief I am sure many of you can say this too. But I am so tired of grief being here in my coffee for brakfast, in my sandwich at lunch. In the mailbox. In my bubble bath at night. Taking a shower so you can cry in the rain of water that flows down your face. I didnt expect it to be like this. Its been 5 months today.  Feels like it was 4 months ages ago. I am tired of others telling me of their grief from 5 years ago, 10 years ago,18 months ago. Can i just enjoy mine because I truly dont care about yours today. I may tomorrow or next week, next month, but right now I want to sit in my grief. Feel it, nurture it, celebrate it. For some reason celebrating it means that I am able to remember the person I celebrate, love, nurtured, lost. I wont mention my person so if you want to put yours here instead, but maybe I dont want you to decide if you know her or celebrate her like i do... Maybe i dont want you to judge her worthiness of MY grief. Yet here i am saying i am tire...

I made a smoothie today. Yes seems kind of innocuous but for me its a mile stone. You see this time last year i was diagnosed with cancer. not just any cancer but the kind people worry about and the doctors do something and then your good. so it was only a "light" case of cancer. don't get me wrong i am not unthankful and people were great and i have a good friend who was diagnosed months before me and is still taking the pill version of treatment. so saying any thing at all that seems like, a complaint seems, well kind of wrong. but on the other hand, I can't just pickup where i left off like a bad case of the flu. i didn't have any chemo so i and everyone else says great so you are good right? but i am not good all the way. i was actually fine after the surgery because in truth i have neuropathy so i don't feel much pain and the healing was rather good and definitely a result of prayer but the radiation about killed me and it killed something else. i hav...

dear nameless people that call my name I am relieved of all responsibility to do what you dear people ask of me, relieved of pleasing you. you are not my goal, my dreams for the day, the month, the year. You are not my business , you are not my joy, my joy-giver, my joy-path, my joy-sustainer, my joy-taker. Joy- Joy- Joy I am a joy-producer. Like the sunshine that redistributes its warmth from the sun As it is absorbed and reflected into other things, it must be replenished on a constant basis. The closer to the source the stronger its life. The sooner it is absorbed the more fully it is felt. It is a real presence of light and heat not just a perceived idea or thought, but a real tangible thing. I am a redistrubutor of God's joy just like the sun's rays redistrubute the warmth and life of the sun. I think the word love sounds nice, but really it is His joy that I feel course through me to others. He has spent many months cleansing me of my own power and strength so He c...

Gently sleeping the slumber of the sick. Peaceful creases smooth the worries of a life hard won. Seen so many ugle words, fill the air around her and yet she chose to rest in the beautiful. Light dances from her closed eyes, she searches memories of days of joy. Giggling girls hid among the bedcovers recanting their stolen adventure. Slipping out the window at night to meet a friend or two, innocent in their intention. Chasing life that was calling with a doe's breath, hinting of mystery and fullness. Rich melodic tunes drifting above her bed showing me all the wonders of playing life by ear which she was so fond of doing. Grabbing a snatch of a recognized ballad she loops her fingers around an imagined vessel that breathes life into the stillness of family and friends gathering to join the chorus of crickets. How she smiles. He is there beside her, her beau for the week. Ready to escort thru gentlemanly gestures the essence of her ladyship. Grandma how I miss you

Let me float on Your joy Let me be filled with Your radience Let me see light in Your beauty Let me admire Your fingerprints Let me glide through Your sunshine Let me glow with Your passion Let me shine with Your gentleness Let me hide in Your faithfulness Let me cuddle in Your love Let me dress in Your obedience Let me be covered in Your justice Let me come to Your wisdom Let me be through Your Son

They Can't Take it All "Lydia!" I called, "You can’t!" What was I to do? She was in as much anguish as I was. There was nothing we could do to stop the intrusion on our hope this time. I needed to go to her but my legs were listening to the vines of terror. They wouldn’t- couldn’t hear me. The roots of altered reality had already penetrated my brain’s response. We were both watching in horror as the soldiers entered the house and we heard the muffled cries. Cries I would never be able to erase from the tucked corners of my existence. The portals that registered to our brains could only take in the impulses sent to us thru the hazy sunlight. Our eyes are only simply able to take in chemical signals. They never really comprehend what is the necessary steps of all that is to come. It is the brain’s position to embrace, anticipate and calculate. The eyes are merely messengers of this catastrophic injustice. Oblivious, neutral as the dry, carpet of my ch...