August 8,2022 Caregiving End of Life Journey

 As i sit here and watch my 98 year old great aunt gasp for each breath as her lungs fill and her heart slows. I understand the brevity of life on a deep and intimate level.

I see her want to not struggle with each breath knowing that she need only stop. Give up. Take the medicine that will allow her to stop struggling. Yet, she fights for each breath, she fights to speak as her words slur across her lips from the medication and lack of oxygen to her brain.

I watch her sadness as she sees the mottling in her legs, the weeping skin knowing its the final stages of circulation in the muscles, blood and bone. She wants to get up to the toilet, there is dignity in using the toilet versus the diaper that she wears.

She doesnt remember that she cant walk one minute and the next she knows full well that she has no time. She has deep conversations about all the money she saved for the some day that never came. she chuckles with me and says, "do you think theres still time?" no

we watch gunsmoke and wagon train and all the old black and white lawmen, ranger shows that are interspersed with an occassional john wayne movie. I have never seen much of these. I didnt know there existed a show called the Virginian, a rogue do gooder that moves place to place much like the incredible hulk series.

We watch, we try to forget the hours, seconds, nanoseconds that crawl and fly by. We forget that she cant breathe. I hold her hand when she has a wake dream scared and calls to her mama to help her.

I hold her hand and say I am here,

i'm not leaving.

I'm here Aunt Elsie.

I'm here.