A post I wrote years ago but wanted to share

The title is shame.
When I was asked what shame feels like, I wrote this. I didn't finish it at the time because I was so overwhelmed by the feelings it brought back as I was writing. My finishing happened a few months ago and only with a climb from the depths am I willing to share it now.

Everyone experiences different things in life, but most all have had an experience with shame. I wanted to share this so if you are stuck in it, you can be pulled from the depth as I was and am now able to embrace as a part of me, but only in where it brought me, finally up and in the light.

"Where, except in uncreated light, can the darkness be drowned?"
C.S. Lewis


Shame

Its a master you cannot run or hide from
He knows where you are weak and trembling inside
He whispers like an icy chill before a Nor'easter
His fingernails grip at every piece of your spine  and shake you til your
jelly inside your gut, in your ears and throat
Shame you cannot share
He is a dark loathsome shadow that covers you whether you are in the sunshine or rain

I go to the park and swing
my thoughts are swinging swaying with me
The presents I got for my birthday, that pretty little doll
that dollhouse I am going to build her
She will be safe and happy
A dark ominous feeling overtakes my bubbles of thought and pours them
with black oil seeping into every crack and crevice
Why can't I be safe?
Why can't I have someone to care for me?
Why must I bear this shame alone?
There is no face you can put on shame.
No blame
No person to hate because of it.
You must carry this
Everyone sees you they know, they know
The little whispers are them talking about you, they know
I cannot bear this pain anymore
it brings me to my knees like a vice crushing my chest to the ground
My head is so heavy I must succumb to the weight
I lie down
but still I must go farther down, farther down
Lord! Help me!
Please Lord take this shame from me!


There is light
I see it feel it sweet breathe at my ear
sweet light that diffuses reality
its effervescent powers seem to dull my senses with a bubbling
dulls my senses, the edge is gone
in their place a soothing raw
Like a balm, oil on a wound
I had often heard people say that
but it has no meaning until you feel it
until you "know" it
Now the light is mine
The One who brings it knows my name

He calls to me, lifting my head
My head, it is no longer pressed down
pressing down no more
It is floating and full
It is no longer taking me farther down
Now my head is a friend
it feels like a comfort, a refreshing companion
I wait and see if it is all an illusion
Is this true?
I want to trust
I want it to simply be real
so strongly that I ...
but fear
Then I her it again.
My name is there
Not spoken on the wind, but like a warmth from the fire
and how it seeps into your skin first,
then the delicious warmth seems to fill your blood
your sinews with strength and peace
My name is the fire, it fills me with a something
What is that? Do I know it?
I have longed for this something
longed for it so long I know it
It fills me to the core
All the way farther down, deep into my sinews and joints first
Down to my cells and radiates out slowly
Building intensity while it flushes me through
My name being called, calls my joints by name
Down to places I only heard of in science books and further in
Into my memories and thoughts
into my fears
It wraps around my whispered terrors
It soothes them, nurtures them
Loves them
Yes, that is the unspoken

Love

I have been loved
My name has been called in love
The light of the hope has come to Me
He has
called
filled
soothed

Jesus has loved
Me