A prayer from my Journal

Journaling today about things I am most thankful for.
I am grateful to have lived the life I have. God has given me more joys than sorrows but from each sorrow I have grown in my understanding of others. I am grateful that God has given me joy that bubbles up and fills the little places that want air. Like a crack in a sidewalk of concrete that can be filled first with the dirt, then a seed and finally a tree. My concreted heart has been filled first with God's love and purpose that is the soul in which life can grow.Then He allows a small seed that on its own cannot develop but in soil can take a root and be fed. He has planted the seed of joy and peace in my concreted and unforgiving heart. From the seed of joy spreads fine roots so small they can penetrate between rocks and gravel of concrete. They enlarge with each bit of moisture until they can push apart the concrete and fill it with the essence and strength of joy. This joy is what my heart needs but resists so stubbornly. Amazing how God doesn't care whether I resist His seed of joy. He continues to allow it to grow so slowly but persistently until it is buried deep inside. I however need to acknowledge it. I need to say yes to its power and that it is there, complete. It is alive and well within me. It is all I need, this joy, gives way to peace. It breaks apart the poisonous concrete that wants to trap and hold me.
Thank you Lord for being stronger than I. You pervade my consciousness, my rebellion, my stubborn pride, and slowly crack the unseemingly, impenetrability of my hardened heart.You fill me with Joy unspeakable. I give you permission Lord, to use this joy and peace to do amazing things first in my life and then the lives of those around me. I cannot be a healing balm until You heal me of my stubborn pride and foolishness. Thank you dear Jesus,
                                                   You Child, LJ

"Just be held" is the song in my head today... what is yours?

New years resolutions are a seeming American tradition. But I wonder how much of this is just a reason to not be doing what it is that we are really needing. At church I happened to misjudge the class I thought I was checking out. I thought I was going to hear about a missionary excursion. I happened into a discipleship leaders encouragement meeting. I was glad I did. One of the elders challenged us. Maybe the problem is we are over-knowledged about bible truths but under-experienced in Its truths. I have been coming to this conclusion myself.

 

How much am I listening to what God's saying to me and how much am I actually doing?

I finally listened to what my best friend has been saying for years now. Warning, Questioning? me about my spending. I justify it by saying it is "home school"  stuff for the kids. Excuses. Because honestly, I never put these into service. They get ohhed and ahhed over and stacked with the next greatest thing. So for my resolution/revolution, I am going to limit myself to sending out (sell, give, trade) 10 things before I can "buy" 1 thing. I feel like a hoarder when I actually evaluate my current status. How many of my book-type things are being used? 2-3 %  :(

 

Wow, that is drastic. I am not saying anyone else has this problem, but truly if I want to be real, these things are not "waiting for the next child" the ones I am finding are the same types of stuff I just purchased again. I just forgot I had it and bought something similar only to put it in "the pile".

 

Another "Revolution" I am doing this go-round, is asking for a "song of the day" from God(hence the title of this post). He speaks to me many times through song. I am swayed to my core by music. Lyrics that taunt me and hound me thru the day are just what I need. This one "tells me" to slow down and let God do His job of holding me, I don't need to try and be the Savior, He already is. I don't need to be the strong one, He already did that. I don't need to grab Him, I need to release the overwhelming compulsion to "keep me",  

 

 

 He does that.

Fun for those of us wishing summer were here already

"Summer Nights"

That phrase evokes a different stirring in everyone who hears it. For me is meant staying outside til 9:30 or 10:00 each night. What began as a shared memory of my Dad's childhood continued as a nightly summer ritual.


 

The counting has begun and we must all flee to the boundaries agreed upon - 1 block radius and no crossing the street. A always started in the alley beyond the enemy lines and picked my favorite bush. Breathing in the pungent smell of pine and grit, I crouched beneath the branches. Hearing my own heart beating way too fast and feeling my breath coming short and quick. I check my left, then my right, only to see another comrade wave me over. "All clear" he whispers. We both crouched slowly into position, our shoes crunching way too loudly in the alleyway gravel.Waiting, we listened intently. Suddenly the noise was there above, in the air, for all of us to hear. The surprised screech, laughter and winded explanations of their foiled plans as they were tagged unsuccessfully sneaking into base.

Darn! Another set of eyes to watch the dim shadows we were making. Maybe we could slither around the adjoining house, doing our best to blend in with the quickening shadows. If we could just make it around the picket fence we would be in perfect camouflage- stripes. I waved to my comrade releasing him to his own schemes.

Rounding the neighbors house at speeds that defy detection, I made it to the backside of the house, coming to a quick halt as I came into range of view. I was exposed again and adeptly leapt from the tree shadow to tree shadow. There were several large oaks lining this side of the house. So, you had to be careful not only for the myriads of pointy dry leaves, but also the crunching fruit beneath you. Hulls deprived of their contents that were long since deposited by our furry neighbors. Noise was the enemy's fiercest weapon and with a second set of ears as well as eyes, I had to be extra cautious. Though usually barefoot this time of year, I gratefully grabbed my worn out sandals this time. I was anticipating the Holly bushes this time. Hugging those massive, and mossy oak sentries gave me time to evaluate my situation. Were there any daredevils out there I could make out in the hazy dusk of a newborn moonlight? Maybe one who would sacrifice himself so we could rush from behind and liberate the weaker brothers. None yet.

Communication among the shadows was risky and if they were caught would they expose your shadowed sanctuary? Now, too much time had passed and the enemy was getting more desperate. Willing to risk his post to catch those lurking just inside the safe zone beyond the lights rays from the porch. I turned my head, scoping out the blackness for any coded signals when-

"ploink-ka-ra-ta-tat-tat-tat"

The loud sound singing through night with a victorious chant as the can sailed high in the air and came down with a rattle and roll pealing it message down the sidewalk. That exonerating call beckoned us all from our bunkers as we made our way to the porch. Roundabout, of course, so we didn't give away our coveted hiding spots.

We were all neighbors and friends once again in the light chatting and laughing. Soon we all conferred which of us would be able to stay for another game of "kick the can"

 

written Feb 8,2012 for a writing class by Laura Yoder

A post I wrote years ago but wanted to share

The title is shame.
When I was asked what shame feels like, I wrote this. I didn't finish it at the time because I was so overwhelmed by the feelings it brought back as I was writing. My finishing happened a few months ago and only with a climb from the depths am I willing to share it now.

Everyone experiences different things in life, but most all have had an experience with shame. I wanted to share this so if you are stuck in it, you can be pulled from the depth as I was and am now able to embrace as a part of me, but only in where it brought me, finally up and in the light.

"Where, except in uncreated light, can the darkness be drowned?"
C.S. Lewis


Shame

Its a master you cannot run or hide from
He knows where you are weak and trembling inside
He whispers like an icy chill before a Nor'easter
His fingernails grip at every piece of your spine  and shake you til your
jelly inside your gut, in your ears and throat
Shame you cannot share
He is a dark loathsome shadow that covers you whether you are in the sunshine or rain

I go to the park and swing
my thoughts are swinging swaying with me
The presents I got for my birthday, that pretty little doll
that dollhouse I am going to build her
She will be safe and happy
A dark ominous feeling overtakes my bubbles of thought and pours them
with black oil seeping into every crack and crevice
Why can't I be safe?
Why can't I have someone to care for me?
Why must I bear this shame alone?
There is no face you can put on shame.
No blame
No person to hate because of it.
You must carry this
Everyone sees you they know, they know
The little whispers are them talking about you, they know
I cannot bear this pain anymore
it brings me to my knees like a vice crushing my chest to the ground
My head is so heavy I must succumb to the weight
I lie down
but still I must go farther down, farther down
Lord! Help me!
Please Lord take this shame from me!


There is light
I see it feel it sweet breathe at my ear
sweet light that diffuses reality
its effervescent powers seem to dull my senses with a bubbling
dulls my senses, the edge is gone
in their place a soothing raw
Like a balm, oil on a wound
I had often heard people say that
but it has no meaning until you feel it
until you "know" it
Now the light is mine
The One who brings it knows my name

He calls to me, lifting my head
My head, it is no longer pressed down
pressing down no more
It is floating and full
It is no longer taking me farther down
Now my head is a friend
it feels like a comfort, a refreshing companion
I wait and see if it is all an illusion
Is this true?
I want to trust
I want it to simply be real
so strongly that I ...
but fear
Then I her it again.
My name is there
Not spoken on the wind, but like a warmth from the fire
and how it seeps into your skin first,
then the delicious warmth seems to fill your blood
your sinews with strength and peace
My name is the fire, it fills me with a something
What is that? Do I know it?
I have longed for this something
longed for it so long I know it
It fills me to the core
All the way farther down, deep into my sinews and joints first
Down to my cells and radiates out slowly
Building intensity while it flushes me through
My name being called, calls my joints by name
Down to places I only heard of in science books and further in
Into my memories and thoughts
into my fears
It wraps around my whispered terrors
It soothes them, nurtures them
Loves them
Yes, that is the unspoken

Love

I have been loved
My name has been called in love
The light of the hope has come to Me
He has
called
filled
soothed

Jesus has loved
Me

Real life happens again....

What does that mean exactly? It used to mean something different to me than it does now. I used to accept what normal was and then the opposite was the "unexpected". I am not quite so sure these days.

You see, God has been taking me thru the back door lately and giving me a backstage tour on what He wants for me. I am floored that He desires to do something good. Why would I feel that way? I have been living in existence for so long that to do more than day-to-day is my new "normal".

I am listening Lord... that used to be followed by a long silence and then a "whenever you are ready Lord?"

These past few months God has been showing me a different approach. I am starting to realize that He is giving shorter directions and expecting me to act on them....now....now"

He is starting to let me see my actions contribute to His plan, not some general make the world a better place, and it will all get better in the end, smile and be happy, blah blah blah. I still believe in those things, but it is less about whether I am happy and more about was this action, moment, word, decision worth more than the immediate. Is this something worth your effort?

God has shown me how selfish I am . How introspectively focused I am. How utterly useless I can be when I am.

He is challenging me to listen more, sit still and wait. He has more than today planned. More than tomorrow planned. More than I care about planned. He has given me hope.

Hope in Him the author and finisher of the faith He gave me in the first place. I was in a place without hope last year, the year before, the decade before. I was trying to manufacture hope and create a smile, hug, be happy, life is good attitude based on feelings manufactured.

Doesn't work....

Not only was I hopeless, I was frustrated and trying to pull others into my manufactured happiness. This all sounds trite and simply babble for the sake of babbling. But really I am not sure how to explain it accept that my life is different and I am seeing things in a unique way. Normal means God is in control and I no longer have to be. God is planning and I need to listen to the instructions He gives me today, not next week. He will update me when He sees me act on on what He has asked.

end of story...

I pray you find the place where He has changed something in your life today.

Hugs

Lolly Jeane

I should be cleaning, but....

These thoughts keep wanting to surface, so here goes.

Friends ask me “why are you going back to college?”  I can only think of one answer but I don’t have an answer beyond that, “because I have to, if I don’t I will shrivel up and die inside” sounds drastic right? Well it kind of is. I couldn‘t answer a year ago when I started but I think I have the reason now. I lost it. That passion that fills your night dreams and your motivation for sticking out one more time thru the yucky stuff. The kind that makes you smile and say almost there. I had a passion for teaching when I first started my homeschool. I had a passion for sharing what I learned with the little minds around me. I wasn’t “excited” to do it I was driven to do it. I wanted to be there when they figured out that idea that had plagued them and they couldn’t piece it altogether quite yet. But then they got a glimpse, and oh what a thrill! We as adults forget what it is to discover something new and then you realize you are part of the elite, the ones who know about this. I wanted to do that for the ones I had been given. My kids, my prodigies. Then life creeps up on you and wham, you are I the middle of a messy life.
Too many responsibilities and not enough experience getting it right means I felt like I was in over my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to turn into one of those moms that have it altogether except their relationships with their kids. You know that mom that says, “Yes dear, uh-huh” when they have no clue that their child just shared a piece of their dream and wanted to know mom cared. But instead, mom was thinking of all the things wrong with the house and meals and what chapter to study next Fall. I may sound cliché ish but unfortunately that is where I was and I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be the one that taught them something new and all I could do was go from hyper-cleaning mode to I can’t think anymore and veg out on my own thing whether it was book binge, Facebook binge or just hang outside mowing and messing with flowers. But whenever I came back to reality it was apparent I did not have it altogether. Now I use altogether a lot if you haven’t noticed and I think that was part of my problem. But the other part was, “I was dry”. The kind that when someone asks you if you know how to get to so-and-so and you do, but you come up with this blank stare as if you have never been there? I had been there once before, but I have lost the mind cohesiveness to retain it. I needed some more input than what I was getting. Information, yeah, but much more than that I needed like mindedness with someone who was passionate about learning. About discovering something for the very first time. Friends say to me, “Wow math at your age? Even College Algebra? But I am not a math person, so I could never do that.” I must confess that my mind-set has always been the same. I have never felt confident with math even though I have some pretty math-minded kids. Truthfully, I have learned that math is not a subject. It is a tool. Much like people might say that driving a car is a tool. You can be really great at it and join the NASCAR team, but most people use it to get from one place to another. It is a wonderful tool that opens up the brains ability to function in many other areas. I had not viewed it that way “before”. Before I succeeded at high school algebra again in college, before I succeeded to learn about functions and matrices in College Algebra. You see, I have a different understanding that I can learn and I am excited about using it to find out about n things. Chemistry for example was never open to me. After I took a chemistry class and learned the concepts, rather poorly so I am repeating it again. I am very excited to teach this to my students whether they are excited or not. I have to confess that I now understand those people that just cannot stop talking about what they love. I want to be there too.

who are you today?

i FEEL lIKE i CAN shout SO QUIETLY THAT NOONE CAN HEAR

Wow what an understatement at times. I read my daughters blog and I see her heart come to the surface of Times New Roman. Oh to think I could write like that. But I don't.  I draw sing paint laugh encourage.  These things come from me. People say- I love to watch you do ....  Because you do it so naturally. I laugh because that is how it is. I don't plan it, think it. It just comes pouring out of me as if the gasket finally gave way and the contents could no longer be contained. The music comes on and my mind is filled with emotions, my energy flows thru the graceful spots in my limbs. I cannot contain it any more than I can hold my breath.

  How is it that some have the ability to look at a piece of wood and envision a cabinet, a bookshelf, a table. Some have the ability to walk in a room and the colors scream for adjusting in the form of pillows, wall hangings, furniture and the little hummel piece that has red apples instead of blue birds. I can see this in others, yet they cannot. TO them it simply flows out of their eyes, noses, mouths, fingers, toes; they are one with these natural reactions. They do not know it is Who they are- not- What they are. I am not an artist, a singer, an encourager,  I am me and for that I can only be thankful. 

   Who are you?  not What..... Who
Embrace it, enjoy it and share it! God infused in each of his creations the ability to breathe life and joy out of us and into others. God had put within man the part of Himself that we can see and feel from person to person. He has breathed a soul, His energy, in each of us.

  I do mothering, I do painting, I do laundry (yes, one of my secret loves), I even do mowing on a John Deere. These are passions and hobbys and enjoyments. But what others see in me is who I am. 

In my husband I see loyalty, compassion that is so fierce I am awed. I see a deep abiding love in his eyes that hurts him. Is he the same as me? No, I do not have these things that I see in him. He does not display all the things others see in me. 

  I am his deeply intimate friend. I see what his eyes reflect. I feel it is my job to share what I see in his eyes. He doesn't see it. I tell him all the fierce love and passion he holds. He knows it but thinks everyone else has it to. Helping him see and embrace who he is is a gift I can give back.  

  Working with children in various stages, I know how important their view of themselves is. Give back to those children (young and old) around you. Give them a gift of reflection. Share with them what you see in their eyes, the things in life that make them joyous. I have given and been given, your turn comes now;