I made a smoothie today.

Yes seems kind of innocuous but for me its a mile stone. You see this time last year i was diagnosed with cancer. not just any cancer but the kind people worry about and the doctors do something and then your good. so it was only a "light" case of cancer. don't get me wrong i am not unthankful and people were great and i have a good friend who was diagnosed months before me and is still taking the pill version of treatment. so saying any thing at all that seems like, a complaint seems, well kind of wrong.
but on the other hand, I can't just pickup where i left off like a bad case of the flu. i didn't have any chemo so i and everyone else says great so you are good right?
but i am not good all the way. i was actually fine after the surgery because in truth i have neuropathy so i don't feel much pain and the healing was rather good and definitely a result of prayer but the radiation about killed me and it killed something else. i haven't figured it out yet but it did some major damage to both my physical flesh and my hormones, chemicals and other things you can't quite identify. i was probably close to menopause pre-surgery but now my estrogen is way low. is that why i have no drive to feel excited about anything pertaining to living? i have mood swings and crazy crying jags. is that menopause or is there something in that? my husband and i have not been the greatest for a couple of years now and it has gotten very hard over these last few months since radiation in January.
cancer or any other long term label has taken a toll on who we thought we were. as a couple and as a future. you know the scenario. we are young in love, our world consists of us hand in hand to face the world and all it offers. we are a young family trying to figure out our parenting style and the best way to invest in these little people. now we are a more mature family totally shocked that boys have the same mood swings as girls and that you have to parent each child all over again when they start to mature. there isn't a line they cross that says you are an adult but more of a thick border that is a transition where you are both and neither child and adult. we are at the next stage. not quite empty nesters but realizing that these last 3 adulteens will be fine as their previous siblings were, are. But who are we and is it worth it because to be honest we have put a lot of bad memories and words in the love bank. cancer has made me-us look at each other and be totally real with how we feel about one another. its like any other long term illness you just get tired of holding that hand and saying to other people yeah we are doing good today when good means you got to take a shower uninterrupted without demands and complaints. who wants to live like that? It means being real and asking the question do you feel like giving up? on us, on living like this? And when the other person says yeah I'm not sure i want to stick around. You feel like a schmuck but hey the cancers good now so i can say what i really feel because you are not going through the crappy stuff anymore. so looking at each other and feeling real but also feeling the scary place you couldn't say last year is where we are. and you know its not that bad because it was always there to begin with. its just now that we are free to voice it and be vulnerable. maybe we can get a do-over, maybe not. but right now i am starting to feel again and that means something.

so, i made a smoothie today. i drank it and though i  know it kind of makes my stomach hurt its better than the oatmeal cream pie cookie, 2 actually, that i had for breakfast yesterday. because today i care about me. and that hasn't been a place i have visited since mid-january.

today is a good day. maybe tomorrow i will catch the sun and hold its light next to my cheek for a visit and  a good cup of tea chat.
hugs
   laura