I am in grief
I am sure many of you can say this too. But I am so tired of grief being here in my coffee for brakfast,
in my sandwich at lunch. In the mailbox. In my bubble bath at night. Taking a shower so you can cry in the rain of water that flows down your face. I didnt expect it to be like this. Its been 5 months today.
Feels like it was 4 months ages ago. I am tired of others telling me of their grief from 5 years ago, 10 years ago,18 months ago. Can i just enjoy mine because I truly dont care about yours today. I may tomorrow or next week, next month, but right now I want to sit in my grief. Feel it, nurture it, celebrate it. For some reason celebrating it means that I am able to remember the person I celebrate, love, nurtured, lost. I wont mention my person so if you want to put yours here instead, but maybe I dont want you to decide if you know her or celebrate her like i do... Maybe i dont want you to judge her worthiness of MY grief.
Yet here i am saying i am tired of this grief invading my space, my home, my life in so many intimate ways that i cannot move forward or backward. I am stuck in a time loop. You know, like the movie Groundhog Day? reliving my same level of what are the stages of grief? fear, denial, shame, anger, regret?
or am i in FONR fear of not remembering... Yep that should be one of the stages. You know like the person {i am one of those people} that keeps the salt and pepper shakers from grandmas table even though they look like all the others from the 50s. Do i fear not remembering all the phone calls in the middle of the night because my friend was having another round of nightmares? was i as kind as i could have been in those moments to her? how much is dimmed by not getting a do-over?
Yet I am ready to begin life without her. Am I? maybe that is the frustration for me, not lacking a restart to life after but instead a shame that i get to have a life after and she doesnt. Maybe survivors guilt? caregivers guilt? codependency?
labels are fine if its not you that is being defined. Unfortunately we are so much more complex when its our own head, heart and body we are trying to box up. This intense need i have right now to be with others in their grief and just sit with them overwhelms me sometime. I wont talk about mine, but just being able to recognize that it is real is essential for me right now. Sometimes the act of moving forward means accepting that forward might be deeper in, not shallowing out. I was frustrated with myself that i am not just "getting over with it" when that idea is so much like nails on a chalkboard to my heart that is squeezed. its a disregard for the life, friendship and pain she endured, joy that came from that pain.
Yep, I need to find others who are in grief. Like the fans that are a ballgame, cheering, booing, there is a solidarity that you dont have to justify or explain. you can be swept up in it and then walk away knowing you celebrated that time with anonymous comrades.
Anyone needing some grief sharing this week?
hugs
laura jeanne
